Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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