yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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