So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
