Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
