I wish I could teleport
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
