I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
