My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
