before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
