my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
