So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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