turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
