she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
