Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
