After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She bit a glass in half.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
