just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
