I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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