the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
