Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize