Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
