Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
