if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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