we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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