i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
