Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
