My first STD was from a foam party
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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