Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
