I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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