Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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