Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
