I will die if light touches me.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
