It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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