I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
