Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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