I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
