Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
