Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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