Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
