I look better un-naked...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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