cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
