Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
