He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
