Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
