I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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