just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
