Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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