ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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