I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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