I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
