So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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