the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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