separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
