wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
