I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
