my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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