3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
