I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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