The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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