I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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