I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Operation Purity has been aborted
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
