I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
